Guilty for feeling joy? Courage to be happy?
Does it really take courage to be happy, to embrace joy? As I reach the midpoint of 2025, my year of ‘joy’ I’ve been realizing I often feel guilty if I feel happy, especially if I feel happy for ‘too long.’ There is a part of me that once believed life required sacrifice, hard work, dedication, determination, and overcoming. So, I’ve been diligently examining this limiting belief for a while now, and have circled back again this month as I continue to explore joy and my relationship with happiness. Why do I feel guilty for feeling happy, and what might happen if I let myself savor and sit in the joy for longer?
Brené Brown tells a story of watching her child sleep and feeling deep joy and gratitude, then immediately making the jump to catastrophizing and worrying about all that could go wrong, and poof, there went the moment of joy. Sound familiar? I feel this too, though I don’t know if this is fully what I mean when I consider feeling guilty for feeling happy. Yes, when I feel happy, I often wonder as soon as I’m aware of my joy, when the other shoe will drop, and with that, the moment of bliss passes, disrupted by my fears and anxiety. And there is also this sense of guilt that I shouldn’t feel happy when there are so many struggles and problems, not only in the world, but in my own backyard, that I should be focused on instead.
I’ve also learned that to be my best self, to continue being adaptable and flexible, requires a certain amount of investment and energy, and this comes from joy. Joy is the key to having the courage and energy to change, to make a difference, to do the hard things. I think about how I experience life as a spectrum, and when I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, burned out, I’ve come to realize it is not because I’m doing too much, but rather because I’m not doing enough of the things that bring me joy; so, I’m out of balance, doing too much of the things that deplete my energy and joy, and not enough of the things that give me energy. I know it seems counterintuitive to take things on when we’re feeling depleted, but I’ve learned that is often exactly what I need to do – I need to add more of the things that bring me joy. I have come to realize, it is not selfish, it is simply making sure there is fuel in the tank so I’m not trying to run on empty.
But this guilt! Perhaps guilt is connected to the hypervigilance explored in the podcast below. I also did a little poking around to see if I’m alone in this phenomenon of guilt stealing happiness.
From the innerresearcher.com, I found these thoughts and have put in bold italics what I am taking away:
While experiencing joy and pleasure, we may feel a ping of anxiousness and shame. “Why do I feel guilty for being happy?” we may ask ourselves. Possible reasons may be survivor’s guilt, the fear of impermanence, or resistance to change by your social circle.
This emotional conflict, both complex and deeply personal, arises from various facets of our lives, reflecting our fears, past experiences, and the expectations we navigate daily. Yet, it’s crucial to understand that this guilt doesn’t have to be the final say in our quest for joy.
Through exploring the roots of this guilt, we can begin to untangle the knots that bind us, paving the way for a more unapologetic embrace of happiness. It’s about peeling back the layers, uncovering why we often feel guilty for feeling good, and learning how to let those feelings coexist without conflict.
The 5 possible reasons for your guilt may be:
- The Fear of Impermanence
- Survivor’s Guilt in Personal Growth
- The Inner Critic’s Loud Voice
- The Impact of Social Comparison
- Resistance to Change by the Social Circle
I’m continuing to collect joy and moments of awe to help me stay present on the journey!
What are you doing to support your journey towards more joy and fulfillment? When was the last time you felt truly joyful, and how did you respond to that feeling? Did you savor it, doubt it, or try to minimize it? What beliefs or stories did you inherit (from family, culture, religion, or work) about happiness and hard work? Do any of these beliefs still serve you? Do you believe joy needs to be “earned”? If so, what would it take to believe you deserve it freely? What does my inner critic say when you are happy for “too long”? Whose voice does it sound like? How do you react when others around me are suffering — do you dim your joy or try to overcompensate with guilt? What are the things that genuinely energize and restore you, and are you making enough time for them? If not, what would it take to prioritize them?
Quote(s) I’ve been pondering:
“We are human beings; we are born full of guilt; we feel terrified when happiness becomes a real possibility.”
~ Paulo Coelho
“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future.”
~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Book I’m Reading:
The Courage to Be Happy: Discover the Power of Positive Psychology and Choose Happiness Every Day
By Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
My Thoughts and Takeaways:
The book offers two core goals of human behavior: self-reliance and harmony with others. Supporting these goals are two foundational psychological beliefs: confidence in one’s own ability and the view of others as comrades.
Respect, as defined by Erich Fromm, is about truly seeing others for who they are—it cannot be demanded, only given and reciprocated. Closely tied to respect is empathy, which is the practice of seeing, hearing, and feeling through another’s perspective. It’s a learnable skill and essential for deep human connection.
Courage and respect are contagious: even small acts can inspire others and build a supportive community. Life is not determined by the past but by how we choose to interpret and act in the present.
A major theme is freedom from dependency on external approval—true happiness stems from internal validation, self-love, and a sense of contribution rather than praise. Love, in this framework, is not just a feeling, but a courageous commitment and a path to adulthood and liberation from self-centeredness.
Ultimately, happiness is achieved through loving others, self-reliance, and a sense of community contribution, moving beyond self-centeredness into meaningful relationships and purpose-driven living.
Key Takeaways:
- Two Behavioral Objectives:
- Be self-reliant.
- Live in harmony with others.
- Foundational Psychological Beliefs:
- “I have the ability.”
- “Others are my comrades.”
- Respect:
- Means seeing and accepting others as they are.
- Cannot be forced—must be freely given and returned.
- Fosters mutual dignity and understanding.
- Empathy:
- “Seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.”
- A skill that can and should be cultivated.
- Courage and Influence:
- Your example of courage and respect can inspire others, even when it feels like you’re alone.
- You provide a light for others, others are inspired to also be a light, and the light grows brighter.
- Narrative Control:
- We choose the story we tell ourselves.
- Focus on the positive (e.g., the helper, not the harm). He tells the story of a boy who was bitten by a dog. A man on a bicycle stopped to help him and took him to the hospital. He could focus on the dog that bit him, or he could focus on the stranger who helped him. The narrative is his to write.
- “It is your now that decides the past.”
- Suffering and Control:
- Suffering comes from unmet expectations. ~ Richard Rohr
- Peace comes from focusing on what you can control.
- Dependency on Praise:
- A life chasing praise is unfulfilling and dependent.
- True happiness must come from within.
- Love as Unity and Maturity:
- Love is about “us,” not just me or you.
- True love requires self-reliance, courage, and maturity.
- Fear of Loving:
- The real fear is often not of being unloved but of loving—because it requires vulnerability and faith.
- Self-Love First:
- To love others, start by loving, respecting, and having confidence in yourself.
- Choosing Life and Destiny:
- We are not servants of fate—we create destiny through our relationships and actions.
- Happiness Comes From:
- Love and connection.
- Self-reliance (freedom from needing approval).
- Contribution to community.
- Cooperation over competition.
- Living authentically, not to meet others’ expectations.
“What is really being tested is one’s courage to keep walking on one’s path” (262).
“Love, be self-reliant, and choose life” (257).
What Amazon has to say:
In this follow-up to the international bestseller and TikTok sensationThe Courage to Be Disliked, discover how to reconnect with your true self, experience true happiness, and live the life you want.
What if one simple choice could unlock your destiny?
Already a major international bestseller, this eye-opening and accessible follow-up to the “compelling” (Marc Andreessen) worldwide phenomenon The Courage to be Disliked shares the powerful teachings of Alfred Adler, one of the giants of 19th-century psychology, through another illuminating dialogue between the philosopher and the young man.
Three years after their first conversation, the young man finds himself disillusioned and disappointed, convinced Adler’s teachings only work in theory, not in practice. But through further discussions between the philosopher and the young man, they deepen their own understandings of Adler’s powerful teachings and learn the tools needed to apply Adler’s teachings to the chaos of everyday life.
To be read on its own or as a companion to the bestselling first book, The Courage to Be Happy reveals a bold new way of thinking and living, empowering you to let go of the shackles of past trauma and the expectations of others, and to use this freedom to create the life you truly desire.
Plainspoken yet profoundly moving, reading The Courage to Be Happy will light a torch with the power to illuminate your life and brighten the world as we know it. Now you can discover the courage to choose happiness.
Podcast Connected to My Ponderings and Wanderings:
Hypervigilance: When Everything Feels Like a Threat
With Guest, Tanvi Gautam
The Anxious Achiever
Hosted by Morra Aarons-Mele
Hypervigilance is a state of being where you are constantly on the lookout for perceived threats. It’s often the result of trauma, but it shows itself in the work world as well. Ironically, many high achievers are rewarded for hypervigilant behavior, but it comes at a cost. Tanvi Gautam, executive coach and managing director of Leadershift Inc., explains how she’s seen hypervigilance show up in her clients, and how she helps them work through it and push forward in their careers.
Read more about hypervigilance: hbr.org/2024/11/3-ways-to-temper-your-hypervigilance-at-work
My Takeaways:
This gave a name to that spiral, the quick shift from happiness to guilt, and back to looking out for risk. Now that I can name it, I know there can be movement; with awareness can come change. I was also struck by the connection between this podcast and the book, Courage to be Happy, in the specific call to get curious about others, and shift from self-focus to a focus on others. The importance of joy also comes up, particularly as it is connected to shifting focus from self to others. The other point that struck me, yet again (I need continuous reminders), is the importance of being present, being mindful, and in the moment, to begin to shift away from hypervigilance and fully into the joy of the moment. This was a really insightful listen, and I am eager to practice with more intention, curiosity, finding joy in connecting with and understanding others, paying attention to where my focus falls, and staying in the present moment.
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You can sign up to receive my Three Thoughts for Thursday post as an email on the third Thursday of every month by clicking here. If you’ve missed any of my Three Thoughts, you can find them all on my blog. If you enjoyed this post, take a look at May’s Three Thoughts. You may also be interested in reading my four-part Lessons of the Run series –Endurance, Resilience, Rest, and Grit. Take a look at my latest post, “YOU are the MISSING Piece!” and stay tuned for an update to this piece, along with a recent and new 5th Lesson of the Run – Humility and Adaptability! If you are interested or know someone who may be interested, I also offer leadership and emotional intelligence coaching and workshops. You can find more information on my website, or you can use this link to set up a free 30-minute introduction to coaching session. As I mentioned, the stroke I had in February 2018 was a pivotal event and valuable turning point in my life; you can read more in my commemorative post. Please join me in celebrating these milestones, turning points, and calls to “winter,” by taking time to celebrate your own milestones and by fully embracing the opportunities in front of you, the value in the little things, and the beauty that surrounds you in this wonderful, messy life. I will forever be grateful for my stroke and the path of integrity I found in its wake.
Over the course of the last two years, I’ve hosted a few local, in-person events here in the Seattle area, like Savor the Sweetness and the Serenity Retreat. The Serenity Retreat was another success! This relaxing and delightful even took place again June 14, 2025; learn more and see the photos below! If you are interested in such local events, please contact me for more information, with any questions, or to join the invite list for future events! Savor the Sweetness will take place again September 20, 2025, so mark your calendars and watch for more information!
I have the privilege of hosting the Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group for ICFLA. We kicked off our 2025 explorations and learning journey on February 25th with guest Dr. J.D. Pincus of AgileBrain, who walked us through The LA Wildfires through the Lens of Emotional Needs: Coaching in Times of Loss. Our next session is next week! On Tuesday, June 24th, 11 am – 12:30 pm, we will both revisit and explore emotional intelligence in coaching through our topic, Emotional Intelligence Foundations for Coaching and Workplace Impact, with guest Maribel Hines, MBA, SPHR, CPLP. Maribel will offer her insights, wisdom, and perspective through her in-house leadership and coaching using the lens of EQ. It is sure to be a great session as we translate theory and emotional intelligence into action and impact! Register now!
In 2024, we had Dr. Heather Backstrom, author of Collaborative Confidence, who presented on “Using Stakeholder Mapping to Help Clients Enhance Self-Awareness.” We explored The Relevance of EI in the Workplace and Exploring and Supporting Confidence in Our Clients, with guest, Irené Turtle, Executive and Team Coach. In August, I hosted and spoke on the topic of “Decision-Making and Anxiety in the Workplace”. We closed the year on October 22nd with guest Dr. Sohee Jun, who spoke on the topic of How to Be” vs. “Who We Are”: Confidence and Authenticity in the Workplace. If these sorts of topics intrigue you, please come join us! You do not need to be a coach or a member of ICFLA to attend these sessions. Please join me for our remaining sessions in 2025, taking place June 24th, August and October!
I have also joined forces with James Garrett at BrainByDesign, where I have the distinct privilege of working with colleagues, Paula Miles and Sandra Clifton, to support aspiring female leaders in the workshop series, The Brain Science Advantage for Women Leaders. This 8-week course takes a deep dive into the brain science of habits, productivity, fear and happiness, and includes 8 live sessions with James, Paula, Sandra and me where we dive even deeper into related issues specifically relevant to women. Check it out and join us as we begin a new journey in September!
If you are interested in joining and co-creating these learning communities, please use the links above to learn more about ICFLA’s Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group, BrainByDesign, and the Women’s Events. I hope you will come along for the journey!
I’m always looking for new inspiration, new books to read, and new podcasts to listen to, so please send your suggestions my way or comment on this post to offer some new recommendations! As always, thank you for your continued support and readership! Stay strong, stay brave, stay true to you!
Wishing you a season of examining your beliefs around happiness and the way your beliefs guide you in telling the story of your past, having the courage to be happy, to revel in it, and a season of releasing any guilt or shame keeping you from fully embracing the joy! Thank you for being a part of my journey!
Desiree Briel Rodi Consulting & Coaching 
[…] you can find them all on my blog. If you enjoyed this post, take a look at June’s Three Thoughts. You may also be interested in reading my four-part Lessons of the Run series […]
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