“The tassel was moved. The hood was placed. The degree was conferred. But the real work had already happened.”
Last Monday, I had the opportunity to say a few words at the Hooding Ceremony for the doctoral graduates at Fielding Graduate University. Standing at the podium, looking out at my fellow graduates, faculty, and family, I realized something that had been quietly unfolding for years. Commencement wasn’t the culmination of my doctoral journey; rather it was simply the public recognition of a transformation that had already taken place. This ceremony was the closure I needed, my kids and husband needed to finally celebrate and close a chapter.
Like many milestones in life, people celebrate the visible moment – the diploma, the hood, the photographs, the applause. What they don’t often see is everything that came before it – the years of uncertainty, the revisions, the questions that changed three dozen times, the moments of wondering whether I had anything meaningful to contribute, the countless drafts, the balancing of work, teaching, coaching, motherhood, and research, THE BECOMING.
The Longest Pregnancy of My Life
Having carried three children, and now one dissertation, I’ve often joked that earning a PhD felt remarkably similar to pregnancy. There was the excitement of beginning. There was the exhaustion of carrying something that seemed to grow larger every month, the anticipation, the discomfort, the endless waiting.
Eventually there comes a point where you’re simply ready to give birth. You no longer worry as much about labor. You just know you can’t stay pregnant forever. This thing must come out!! The dissertation must eventually leave you.
What surprised me wasn’t simply that the dissertation was born, it was realizing how much I had changed while carrying it.
The Children Were Never the Obstacle
One week after I completed my doctoral coursework, my daughter Sally was born. People often ask how I managed to earn a doctorate while raising three children. The better question is whether I would or could have done it without them.
My children were the inspiration for my question and research, and they became my reason to continue. They watched me wrestle with difficult questions. They watched me revise papers late into the night. They watched me fail. They watched me begin again.
Perhaps the greatest lesson they received wasn’t that their mother earned a doctorate. Perhaps it was seeing that learning never stops, that meaningful work takes time, and that perseverance is often quiet.
Becoming Instead of Achieving
Our culture celebrates achievement – degrees, promotions, awards, crossing finish lines, but those moments are surprisingly brief. Transformation happens much more slowly. It happens in ordinary Tuesdays, in small decisions, in choosing to write another page, to ask another question, and to keep showing up when no one is watching.
Looking back, I don’t think earning the PhD was the greatest accomplishment; becoming the person capable of earning it was.
No One Talks About the Postpartum
What surprised me most wasn’t the journey, it was what happened after. I expected relief, excitement, momentum, like when a weight is lifted from a moving object and the object jets forward like a rocket. Instead, I experienced something I can only describe as postpartum – not with a baby, but with becoming.
The deadlines disappeared. The structure was gone. The identity I had carried for years suddenly shifted. The flowers stopped coming. The congratulations slowed. The question quietly emerged:
Now what?
For over a year, I found myself integrating, not simply the research I had conducted, but the person I had become through conducting it.
I’ve since realized this isn’t unique to earning a doctorate. We experience this after retirement, career changes, children leaving home, major illnesses, divorce, promotion. Every meaningful transition asks us to grieve who we were while learning to become someone new.
What My Research Actually Taught Me
Ironically, while I spent years researching how educators experienced implementing social and emotional learning, my greatest lesson wasn’t about schools, it was about people. Transformation doesn’t happen because someone tells us to change. Transformation happens when we are willing to stay present long enough for something inside us to change.
Whether in classrooms, organizations, families, or our own lives, meaningful growth requires more than knowledge. It requires courage, reflection, connection, and emotional intelligence.
The Beginning, Not the End
Receiving my doctorate felt like crossing a finish line. Looking back now, I think it was actually crossing a threshold.
This journey has deepened my conviction that emotions are not obstacles to growth, they are our guides. They are our universal human language, helping us make sense of change, connect more deeply with one another, and become more fully ourselves. Whether I am coaching a leader, teaching graduate students, consulting with organizations, or writing about the spaces between who we have been and who we are becoming, that belief continues to shape my work.
The diploma hangs on the wall. The dissertation is published. The most meaningful work, however, continues; it is the work of becoming.
I am deeply grateful to my family, friends, mentors, colleagues, faculty, and fellow graduates who walked alongside me throughout this journey. Thank you for believing in me, challenging me, and celebrating this milestone together.
I’ve shared my commencement speech and a few photos from the day below. I hope they offer encouragement to anyone who is carrying something meaningful, even if the finish line still feels far away.
Keep going.
The work of becoming is hard work, but oh so rewarding!
You may be becoming more than you yet realize.
Commencement Speech
When I began my Ph.D., I remember feeling the excitement and anticipation, similar to that of discovering I was pregnant.
There was possibility.
There was hope.
There was this incredible sense that I was about to embark on something that would fundamentally and positively change me.
Of course, like most pregnancies, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Not long after beginning the program, our family moved back to Seattle. Then, just as I was settling into coursework and finding my rhythm, the world shut down. COVID changed how we lived, how we learned, and how we connected.
And then, just to make the metaphor literal…I became pregnant.
One week before I finished my doctoral coursework, our daughter Sally was born.
Apparently, one pregnancy wasn’t enough, I decided to have two at the same time. The PhD pregnancy was much, much longer and much, much harder!
I crossed the finish line of coursework with a newborn in my arms.
But anyone who has earned a doctorate knows that coursework isn’t the finish line.
It’s barely the halfway point. In many ways, it is just the beginning!
Then came what I can only describe as the longest third trimester in history.
There was the dissertation proposal.
The research.
The interviews.
The writing.
The rewriting.
The self-doubt.
The moments I was convinced I would never finish.
And FINALLY, the formal oral review.
Only to then return to MORE revisions.
And then…the email, just before the holidays, notifying me that the dissertation had been accepted and I was officially done, my degree awarded 12/15/2024.
Delivery of the PhD baby complete.
Or so I thought.
Because anyone who has had a baby also knows there is life before delivery…and there is life after.
For me, the eighteen months after finishing were my doctoral postpartum.
I was exhausted, recovering and healing, and rediscovering who I had become after carrying this dream for so long.
Without question, this was the hardest, longest, and most challenging pregnancy of my life.
And I have three children…
There were many moments when I wished I had earned my Ph.D. before becoming a mother. I imagined it would have been easier.
But there would not have been the PhD journey without my children. My children weren’t an obstacle to my doctorate, they were in large part, the reason for it.
They shaped the questions I asked.
They inspired the research I pursued.
They reminded me daily why understanding human growth, learning, leadership, and emotional development matters.
To Will, Ben, and Sally, and my husband, Rob—thank you.
Thank you for sharing me with this dream.
Thank you for the afternoons, evenings, and weekends when school too often had to come first.
Thank you for cheering me on, even when you didn’t fully understand why Mom always had “just one more paper” to write, one more evening at the library, one more game to miss.
I hope what you remember isn’t that I was busy, too busy. I hope you remember that you watched someone keep going.
Because perhaps the greatest lesson this journey gave me wasn’t the degree.
It was the opportunity to model something for my children—and for myself.
That meaningful work takes time.
That growth is rarely linear.
That hard things are worth doing.
And that we are the kind of family who can do hard things.
Thank you to my Student Reader, Jeff Smith, for his faithful humor, and to my External Examiner, Dr. Michael Stramber of Yale University. Thank you to my Committee Chair, Abigail Lynam who saw me through from start to finish, to my Faculty Reader, Frank Barrett who challenged me and asked hard questions, and to my Research Faculty, Dorothy Agger-Gupta, who welcomed me into the program and save me at the end as my birth doula, cheering me on until it was done.
Thank you to my mom who sent my dad, and to my dad for coming when I needed extra help getting my dissertation draft completed. Thank you to my Tia Gloria for coming to help me push through the final stages of the proposal. To my community of family and friends, thank you!
What parts of childhood were never meant to be left behind?
Many of us spend adulthood acquiring skills – competence, expertise, responsibility, productivity, planning, efficiency. Adulthood, however, often asks us to recover things we once had naturally. I refer to this stage of adulthood as “unbecoming,” a time of reacquainting ourselves with our inner voice, which we could more clearly hear as children, the voice that knew who we were at our core. This is a shedding of the “shoulds” we’ve taken on, beliefs and influences we’ve absorbed that never belonged to us and weren’t really meant for us. Last month, I explored the idea of growing pains. This month, I explore some of the aspects of childhood that might help to soothe the growing pains of adulthood.
Not everything from childhood should come with us, of course, but some things absolutely should, like that inner confidence and knowing. These moments of uncertainty in adulthood are opportunities that invite us to get back in touch with ourselves, with our inner voice, and our inner child that could see uncertainty as possibility.
As children, we naturally possessed many of the capacities that help humans navigate uncertainty: curiosity, wonder, imagination, play, experimentation, resilience, presence, and the belief that things can be created. As adults, we often trade these capacities for certainty, control, expertise, and predictability. Yet when life becomes uncertain, as it inevitably does, we discover that the skills we need most are often the ones we left behind.
Some of my favorite memories from childhood were making forts and structures, stories and adventures out of blankets, a box, or the mud. Taming the tall weeks with a path through them to create a hidden sanctuary. As a kid, I moved quite often, so there was often a good box to be had. I loved creating an outdoor kitchen or house, creating a space of my own where I could anchor and escape into a world of my own. In times of uncertainty, I found my creativity.
Have you ever noticed that children run toward uncertainty? Children don’t know what they’ll find in the woods. That’s why they go. And then we grow up. Adults don’t know what they’ll find in the woods, that’s why they often stay home.
Children ask questions constantly. Their curiosity is one of their childhood gifts. “Why? Why? Why?” they ask, not because they need certainty, but because they are fascinated and want to learn about the world around them. In adulthood, there is a clear shift. Adults often seek answers more than questions, making assumptions rather than getting curious. As adults, we want plans, guarantees, predictions (reliable ones), and certainty. Curiosity, however, may be one of our greatest tools for navigating uncertainty.
Another gift of childhood is our imagination. Imagination transforms uncertainty into opportunity and possibility. Children see possibilities everywhere, creating a sword from a stick, a castle from a blanket, or, like me, building a kitchen from spare boxes. Adults, on the other hand, become constrained by what already exists. We stop imagining what could be and start thinking we need to work within the boundaries of the systems already in place.
Experimentation and our willingness to be scientists exploring the world is another gift of childhood. Children do not expect mastery; they expect to try and fail and try again, experimenting with movement and speech and song and dance and everything new, and everything is indeed new! They fall, and they try again. They build and rebuild, learning and refining and changing and growing. As adults, we often expect ourselves and one another to know, to get it right, to avoid mistakes. What might shift if we continued to consider life a series of experiments? I often think of life as small experiments represented by A + B = C, where C is the outcome, the experience, the impact I want, and I am A. What can I change or shift about myself and that which is in my control in order to shift C, in order to have the outcome, the experience, the impact I want to have? Feedback is data for creatively designing the next experiment.
Children know how to play! Many adults, including myself, too often associate play with frivolity. Neuroscience, however, links play consistently to learning, creativity, innovation, resilience, and connection. Play frees us from the constraints placed upon us and gives us energy, both necessary to thinking in new ways and to becoming new beings, adaptable and curious.
Children are remarkable at being present! As I mentioned when I wrote about my trip to Spain with my son, Will, one of my favorite characteristics of Will in particular is his ability to be fully in the moment and to appreciate the everyday aspects of life like a flower, the way the light hits the water, the sunset, or a ripple in a fountain. Children are what they are without expectation or apology. Adults spend countless hours and energy replaying the past and trying to predict the future, anxiously rehearsing for every scenario.
Children have a knack for believing even in the things they cannot see. They believe anything is possible. They believe they can and will learn and grow. They believe they are creative and capable.
Life teaches us caution, but caution and possibility do not need to be enemies. Perhaps uncertainty feels so uncomfortable because it asks us to put down some of our favorite adult tools and requirements of certainty, expertise, and control, and instead pick up some of our childhood tools and gifts. Childhood curiosity, wonder, play, experimentation, imagination, presence, may just be the keys to solving our complex adult problems, not because they call us to be childish, but because they allow us to become whole and to take with us, the tools from our past that will continue to serve us throughout our future.
Maybe the goal of adulthood isn’t to leave childhood behind. Maybe the goal is to carry forward the parts of childhood that help us remain creative, adaptable, courageous, present, capable, and fully alive. Reflective Questions: What part of childhood still serves you today? What if curiosity is more useful than certainty? What questions are you no longer asking? Where have you replaced wonder with assumption? What would change if you approached this season of life with curiosity instead of judgment? What possibilities have you stopped imagining? What if your next chapter doesn’t exist yet because you’re meant to create it? Where have you mistaken familiarity for reality? What have you stopped doing because it wasn’t productive? What brought you joy before achievement became the goal? What if play isn’t the opposite of work? What if play is the source of our best work? How much of your life is happening right now? What are you missing while trying to predict what comes next? What did your younger self believe that your adult self has forgotten? What dream deserves a second look? What possibility have you dismissed too quickly? What part have you unintentionally left behind? What would it look like to reclaim it? If uncertainty is the invitation, what childhood gift is it asking you to bring with you? What if this moment is enough?
Quote I’m Pondering:
“Underrated life advice:
Schedule your fun first. The vacation. The dinner. The concert. The weekend trip. Put joy on the calendar before work fills it. Most people work first, play with what’s left. There’s never anything left. Book fun like meetings. Treat joy like obligation.”
Uncertainty is not a passing phase. It’s the defining condition of modern work. For many mid-career professionals and leaders, the pace of change has accelerated beyond what their old playbooks can handle. These leaders are skilled, experienced, and relied upon by others, yet they still feel the strain of constant disruption and the pressure to make decisions in environments where the ground never stops shifting.
They’ve tried planning harder, working smarter, mastering productivity tools, and relying on the expertise that once guided them. But these familiar strategies often increase anxiety instead of easing it, leaving them frustrated, overloaded, and unsure how to lead themselves or their teams through the fog of uncertainty.
Certain About Uncertainty offers a new path forward—one built on a learnable set of capabilities John Austin calls uncertainty intelligence. Instead of treating unpredictability as a threat to control or avoid, Austin shows how to build true confidence by strengthening three core, learnable skills: anticipatory awareness, adaptability, and learning agility. These principles don’t eliminate uncertainty rather they teach you how to navigate it with clarity, competence, and steadiness.
Drawing on decades of research, teaching, and work with leaders in fast-changing fields, Austin introduces original tools that cannot be found in other books on decision-making or change, including uncertainty vectoring, situated expertise, and the three translation moments—practical frameworks designed to help you navigate complex situations with clarity and competence.
Inside, you’ll learn: · How to map uncertainty more accurately using uncertainty vectoring. · Why your past expertise may fail and how to update it effectively. · How teams can build collective resilience through situated expertise. · What causes good ideas to break down in practice and how to prevent it. · How to shift from anxiety to capability, even in fast-moving environments.
If you want to feel steady in chaos, lead with confidence, and build the skills needed for a constantly changing world, Certain About Uncertainty will show you how.
My Thoughts:
The Adventure of the Unknown – Igniting Curiosity and Wonder
This book came at the perfect time! I have been sitting in my own spaces of uncertainty post-PhD, and living in an uncertain world. I, myself, have been pondering the concepts of fog and its gifts. Certain About Uncertainty offers a compelling reframe of uncertainty, not as something to eliminate, but as a fundamental condition of life that can fuel growth, creativity, and resilience. I especially loved the visual metaphors of childhood explorations and the call to hold onto the parts of childhood that serve us throughout life, particularly our childhood ability to see adventure and possibility in the unknown. As Austin writes, “Every challenge invites us to choose wonder over worry,” and “Certainty, for all its comfort, is a dead end. Uncertainty is where life happens.” These ideas come to life through the powerful image of the fog: “I choose to run into the fog now, not avoid it… it’s where we discover capabilities we didn’t know we had,” and “The future is foggy… It’s magnificent. It means we get to write the story as we live it.” Thoughtful, imaginative, and actionable, the book introduces “uncertainty intelligence” as a set of capacities – adaptability, learning agility, and awareness – that help us move from fear of the unknown toward a more curious and empowered relationship with it. With these capabilities, Austin challenges us with his own reframe, to embrace the fog, to “run into the fog” with fearlessness and enthusiasm, to create the future we imagine just as we once built forts in the woods, vast creations from playdough, and stories in the clouds. Thank you for this poignant reminder to see the possibility in the unknown, and to bring with us into adulthood, the aspects of our childhood that will forever serve us – curiosity and the excitement to create!
Change management, as most of us were taught it, assumes a linear path: a clear “from,” a clear “to,” and a plan to get there. In this conversation, Ron Carucci makes the case that those days are over. For leaders running complex change in large organizations, the real work now is less about managing transitions and more about building readiness for constant uncertainty.
Ron and I explore why so many well-designed transformations stall — not because the strategy was wrong, but because the leader’s inner patterns were never examined. He introduces the idea of “origin stories”: early narratives that shape how leaders set standards, respond to resistance, and tolerate risk, often without realizing it.
We also unpack Ron’s three-domain model of transformation: work within the leader, between people and teams, and among the systems of culture, strategy, and governance. Miss one, and change quietly unravels. This is a practical, humane, and slightly uncomfortable conversation for experienced change leaders who want results that actually stick.
Here are three questions that arise from this Change Signal conversation with Ron Carucci:
Are we still managing change as if it is predictable?
What unseen stories are really shaping how our organizations behave?
And where might leaders themselves be quietly getting in the way?
Change Signal. Cut through the blather, the BS, and the noise to find the good stuff that works in change. If you’re a transformational leader seeking modern change mastery, you’re in exactly the right place.
My takeaways:
“Find the stories about who we were and write the stories of who we want to be.” This call from Ron Carucci has stayed with me.
Change readiness is no longer optional. We are always standing on a frontier, and the line is always moving. Leaders today are constantly navigating uncertainty. Navigating the unknown requires more than resilience, it requires self-awareness. It requires knowing who we are and understanding the stories we carry with us. Many of those stories were written long ago. They shape our decisions, our cultures, our strategic choices, our willingness to take risks, and our capacity for change. These are our “origin stories.” What has shaped us as people has shaped us as leaders.
How did we develop our beliefs about change and transformation? Success and failure? Risk and safety? How do those beliefs continue to script our leadership today?
The stories we told ourselves as children, the patterns, behaviors, habits, and beliefs we developed to navigate our earliest experiences, often served an important purpose. They helped us make sense of the world and protect ourselves. But what once served us may no longer serve us. The challenge is first, learning to recognize the lens through which we see the world. What narratives did we create to survive, belong, or succeed? And second, to determine, do those narratives still support us, or do they now limit us as leaders?
Carucci shares a powerful story about a leader named Andy, whose childhood experiences shaped beliefs that initially contributed to his success but eventually became liabilities. The ways we were criticized and the ways we learned to criticize ourselves often become the internal voices directing our decisions decades later. Those voices may have protected us when we were young, but they are not always cheering us on as adults.
Our shadows don’t remain personal. They show up in our leadership. They influence the cultures we create, the teams we build, and the organizations we lead. In fact, we are often drawn to cultures that mirror our own narratives and reinforce the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
Uncovering these origin stories is not easy. People naturally resist examining the narratives that have guided them for years. To navigate that resistance, leaders must first earn trust, and find the space to trust, both in themselves and in others.
Carucci describes transformation occurring across three levels:
Within – the transformation that occurs within the leader. Between – the transformation that occurs in the spaces between people, teams, and functions. Among – the transformation that occurs at the systemic level through culture, strategy, governance, and organizational structures.
Real change requires attention to all three.
Another reminder that resonated deeply with me: there is no failure, only data. Change is messy. Life is messy. The goal is not perfection; it is curiosity. Be mindful of the shame you may be projecting onto yourself or others. Notice your reactions. Get curious about them. The data is often in the discomfort.
One of the most powerful insights from the conversation was this:
“Everyone wants the revelation to be the redemption.”
Revelation, however, is not redemption. Revelation is simply the beginning. Awareness creates possibility, but it is the choices and actions that follow that create transformation.
And finally, it is important in creating the environment for change to thrive and survive, to prepare the system for the journey. The changes we make within ourselves inevitably affect those around us. As leaders, we cannot assume our growth happens in isolation. The shifts in our beliefs, behaviors, and identities ripple through our relationships, teams, and organizations. If we are asking others to navigate change, we must prepare them for the journey we are on as well.
Perhaps leadership transformation begins with a simple but challenging question: What story helped me become who I am, and what story do I need to write next?
If you are interested or know someone who may be interested, I also offer leadership and emotional intelligence coaching and workshops. You can find more information on my website, or you can use this link to set up a free 30-minute introduction to coaching session.
I have partnered with my fellow Education and Coaching colleague, Dr. Joan Flora, to offer a new experience we are calling The Empathy & Attunement Studio. This new endeavor seeks to create space to take emotions and experiences to the “studio” to build and practice new tools and create new outcomes in emotionally charged conversations and relationships. This space explores emotions and their purpose, the information they hold about our human needs, and how we can learn to respond with intention and integrity instead of reacting and regretting. We are offering monthly Open Houses and Studio Practice Space where you can learn more and dive into creating new outcomes. Come check out what we’re up to at The Empathy & Attunement Studio ~ Where Emotional Awareness Becomes Purposeful Action!
If you are interested in joining and co-creating these learning communities, please use the links above to learn more about The Empathy & Attunement Studio,ICFLA’s Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group, and BrainByDesign, and email me to learn more about future Women’s Events. I hope you will come along for the journey!
I’m always looking for new inspiration, new books to read, and new podcasts to listen to, so please send your suggestions my way or comment on this post to offer some new recommendations!
Wishing you a season of looking inward with curiosity, integrating the lessons and gifts that have shaped you, and creating impact through the stories you choose to write next. May you reconnect with the parts of yourself that have always known how to navigate uncertainty with wonder, imagination, experimentation, and trust. As you move through the fog, may you remember that the future is not something to predict, but something to create. Create something authentic, aligned, and fabulous! Thank you for being a part of my journey!
As always, thank you for your continued support and readership! Stay strong, stay brave, stay true to you!
May has me thinking about growing pains. Not just the physical kind we remember from childhood, but the emotional and internal kind that come with becoming. Growth requires space. And creating that space is not always comfortable. Sometimes growth asks us to stretch beyond familiar identities, release old beliefs, or loosen our grip on patterns that once protected us but no longer serve us.
While in Costa Rica for Spring Break recently, we visited Monteverde and had the opportunity to learn about the amphibians and reptiles native to the area. Part of the story was, of course, around a snake shedding its skin – a necessity for growth. I also learned that this shedding can be painful, just like human growth, both physical and cognitive/emotional. I thought about the limiting beliefs, structures, identities, and biases I’ve needed to shed to become, and the pain points of shedding old ways.
Over the past few months, I’ve found myself reflecting on the idea of “weeding,” identifying the anxieties, assumptions, fears, and emotional clutter that may be crowding out new growth. Just like a garden, we cannot ask new things to flourish if we refuse to clear space for them to breathe. Just like a snake, this shedding of old beliefs and behaviors can be painful, albeit necessary for growth.
A passage I keep returning to comes from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Wherever You Go, There You Are: “The gesture of letting go is akin to letting your palm open to unhand something you have been holding on to.” I’ve been sitting with the question: What am I still gripping too tightly? Sometimes we cling to certainty, expectations, resentment, perfectionism, or even outdated versions of ourselves because they feel familiar. Letting go, however, is not the same thing as giving up; it is creating room. It is loosening the hold of what is no longer aligned, so something more intentional can emerge. Kabat-Zinn reminds us that wisdom and insight arise when we stop resisting the present moment and allow ourselves to fully see what is actually there.
This month, I also read The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, a book centered around two surprisingly simple words: Let Them. While the concept sounds straightforward, I found myself reflecting on how much energy we spend trying to manage, predict, control, or soften the behaviors and reactions of others. What if some of our exhaustion comes not from growth itself, but from gripping too tightly to things we were never meant to carry? “Let them” is not passive resignation; it is an invitation to redirect energy inward — toward our own values, choices, boundaries, growth, and joy. In many ways, it feels connected to weeding: releasing what crowds our peace so we can more intentionally cultivate what matters.
Perhaps growth is less about becoming someone entirely new and more about clearing away what obscures who we already are. Maybe the growing pains are not signs that something is wrong, but evidence that we are stretching into a new capacity. This May, I’m reflecting on what needs tending, what needs pruning, and what needs releasing. What beliefs, fears, or emotional habits are taking up space in your internal garden? And what might become possible if you loosened your grip just enough to let something new grow?
Reflective Questions Through the Three I’s of Emotional Intelligence Inward (Insight & Intuition)
What emotions have been asking for my attention lately, and what information might they be trying to give me?
What beliefs, fears, or expectations am I holding onto that may no longer serve my growth?
Where in my life do I feel tension, resistance, or discomfort — and what might that reveal about what needs tending or changing?
What part of myself have I been neglecting, silencing, or overprotecting?
Integrate (Integrity & Intention)
What would it look like to respond to myself and others with greater compassion rather than control?
Where am I spending energy trying to manage things that are outside my control?
What values or truths do I want to more intentionally align my choices and behaviors with right now?
What might I need to release, prune, or “weed out” to create more space for growth, peace, or clarity?
Impact (Influence & Ignition)
How do my emotional patterns shape the way I show up in my relationships, leadership, and daily life?
What kind of impact do I want my presence, energy, and actions to have on the people and spaces around me?
Where might my willingness to grow create ripple effects for others?
What becomes possible — for me and for those around me — when I lead from greater awareness, alignment, and emotional courage?
Quote(s)/Passage I’m pondering…
On Letting Go…
“Letting go means just what it says. It’s an invitation to cease clinging to anything – whether it be an idea, a thing, an event, a particular time, or view, or desire. It is a conscious decision to release with full acceptance into the stream of present moments as they are unfolding. To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome that comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, or liking and disliking, of the impulse to grasp on to and cling to desires or aversions of all kinds when they arise in the mind. The gesture of letting go is akin to letting your palm open to unhand something you have been holding on to.
…
Letting go is only possible if we can bring awareness and acceptance to the nitty-gritty of just how stuck we can get, and if we can, give ourselves permission to recognize the lenses we slip so unconsciously between observer and observed that then filter and color, bend and shape our view.
…
Stillness, insight, and wisdom arise only when we can give ourselves permission to settle into being complete in the moment, as we are, without having to seek or hold on to or reject anything.”
One of the things that immediately struck me while reading The Let Them Theory was the recognition of how profoundly our habits shape our lives, especially our habits of thinking. Mel Robbins shares her own tendency to “let [her] thoughts paralyze [her], and fear and stress consume [her],” and that deeply resonated with me. As a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist, I recognized how easy it is for fear, overthinking, and self-protection to become well-worn mental pathways. Our thoughts are powerful, and when repeated often enough, they can quietly become the habits that shape how we move through the world.
Robbins introduces her well-known “5-4-3-2-1” practice as a way to interrupt hesitation and move into action. What I appreciated most is the recognition that we cannot always rely on motivation or willpower to carry us forward. Sometimes action must come first. Robbins writes, “Every time you count 5-4-3-2-1, you will push yourself through hesitation, procrastination, overthinking, and doubt.” The practice becomes a way of rewiring old patterns, replacing rumination with movement, avoidance with agency. It left me reflecting on the habits I may want to shift and what new practices might better support the life I want to create.
The deeper heart of the book, however, centers around the realization that so much of our energy becomes consumed by trying to manage the reactions, expectations, opinions, and emotions of other people. Robbins came to recognize that what was getting in her way was not simply circumstances, but “how [she] was letting other people impact [her].” That insight felt both simple and profound. We spend so much time trying to gain approval, soften discomfort, avoid judgment, or manage outcomes that were never actually ours to control. And in doing so, we often lose connection with ourselves.
That is ultimately the invitation of the “Let Them” theory: to allow others to have their experiences while creating space to focus more intentionally on our own values, actions, growth, peace, and purpose. “Let them” is not passive resignation; it is an act of emotional clarity and self-responsibility. It is a shift away from external validation and toward self-awareness, self-acceptance, compassion, and agency. For me, it connected deeply to this month’s theme of weeding and creating space. Sometimes growth requires not only letting go of old beliefs and fears but also loosening our grip on the exhausting responsibility of managing everyone else’s experience so we can more fully tend to our own lives.
What Amazon Has to Say:
#1 New York Times Bestseller #1 Sunday Times Bestseller #1 Amazon Bestseller #1 Audible Bestseller A Life-Changing Tool Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About
What if the key to happiness, success, and love was as simple as two words?
If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or frustrated with where you are, the problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you give to other people. Two simple words—Let Them—will set you free. Free from the opinions, drama, and judgments of others. Free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you. The Let Them Theory puts the power to create a life you love back in your hands—and this book will show you exactly how to do it.
In her latest groundbreaking book, The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins—New York Times bestselling author and one of the world’s most respected experts on motivation, confidence, and mindset—teaches you how to stop wasting energy on what you can’t control and start focusing on what truly matters: YOU. Your happiness. Your goals. Your life.
Using the same no-nonsense, science-backed approach that’s made The Mel Robbins Podcast a global sensation, Robbins explains why The Let Them Theory is already loved by millions and how you can apply it in eight key areas of your life to make the biggest impact. As you listen, you’ll realize how much energy and time you’ve been wasting trying to control the wrong things—at work, in relationships, and in pursuing your goals—and how this is keeping you from the happiness and success you deserve. Written as an easy-to-understand guide, Robbins shares relatable stories from her own life, highlights key takeaways, relevant research, and introduces you to world-renowned experts in psychology, neuroscience, relationships, happiness, and ancient wisdom who champion The Let Them Theory every step of the way. Learn how to:
Stop wasting energy on things you can’t control
Stop comparing yourself to other people
Break free from fear and self-doubt
Release the grip of people’s expectations
Build the best friendships of your life
Create the love you deserve
Pursue what truly matters to you with confidence
Build resilience against everyday stressors and distractions
Define your own path to success, joy, and fulfillment …and so much more.
The Let Them Theory will forever change the way you think about relationships, control, and personal power. Whether you want to advance your career, motivate others to change, take creative risks, find deeper connections, build better habits, start a new chapter, or simply create more happiness in your life and relationships, this book gives you the mindset and tools to unlock your full potential.
Order your copy of The Let Them Theory now and discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words.
If you’re tired of managing everyone’s moods, over-explaining yourself, fixing issues that aren’t yours to fix, or proving your worth to people who don’t see it, this podcast is your reset.
In this solo episode, Mel unpacks the life-changing tool that millions of people around the world can’t stop talking about:
The Let Them Theory
For the first time on the podcast since the book launched, Mel discusses Let Them, the global movement, and new ways to apply the theory.
Whether you’ve read the book or are new to this tool, today’s episode will give you perspectives and insights about The Let Them Theory that have never been shared before.
The Let Them Theory is here to remind you that the problem isn’t you; it’s the power you give to other people.
It has become a cultural sensation and a movement built on one idea:
When you stop trying to control other people, you finally take control of yourself. In this conversation, Mel shares:
4 things you’re not responsible for
Why trying to make everyone else happy is a recipe for frustration
The main reason some people never understand you – and why that is OK
The one-sentence way to set a powerful boundary
Why the only person you need to prove yourself to is you
If you’ve spent too long chasing approval or taking on responsibility for everyone else, it’s time to protect your time and energy.
It’s time to stop letting other people hold you back.
It’s time to focus on what you can control: YOU.
My Takeaways and Reminders for Myself:
You are not responsible for other people’s happiness – Let them be unhappy, uncomfortable, etc. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Hold others as capable. When we spend our time trying to keep everyone else happy, we usually fail because we can’t control others or their experiences, and we also usually sacrifice our own happiness. When we focus on our happiness, we empower others to do the same, and happiness is contagious. Stop trying to control others!
You are not responsible for solving others’ problems – Let them solve their own problems. You can support others, but by jumping in with solutions, we are communicating that we don’t actually think they can handle the problem. We take away their power, keep them from learning and growing, and this all can often lead to resentment, too. Hold others as capable and whole, and support them to solve their own problems!
You are not responsible for making people understand your choices – Let them misunderstand you, let them judge you, let them have their opinions. You cannot control other people – what they think, what they do, their opinions of you. You don’t owe explanations. You are responsible for your choices. Stop explaining yourself to others and trying to make others understand you!
You are not responsible for proving your worth – Let them underestimate you! Self-worth does not come from outside, from others liking you, it comes from inside and liking yourself. You are not responsible for getting people to see your value or like you. You don’t need people to validate your worth. “When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people’s opinions.” Give people the freedom to think what they want, and give yourself the freedom to take action and transform.
Related Podcast Recommendation
Another podcast that deeply connects to this month’s reflections on growing pains, letting go, uncertainty, and emotional capacity is:
The Anxious Achiever Podcast with Morra Aarons-Mele
Particularly episodes focused on anxiety, perfectionism, control, uncertainty, and leadership.
What I appreciate about The Anxious Achiever is how it reframes anxiety and emotional struggle not as personal failures, but as human experiences that can become sources of insight, compassion, and growth when approached with awareness. The conversations often explore the tension between striving and surrender, ambition and wellbeing, certainty and curiosity — themes that feel deeply connected to this season of “weeding,” letting go, and creating space for new growth.
If you are interested or know someone who may be interested, I also offer leadership and emotional intelligence coaching and workshops. You can find more information on my website, or you can use this link to set up a free 30-minute introduction to coaching session.
I have partnered with my fellow Education and Coaching colleague, Dr. Joan Flora, to offer a new experience we are calling The Empathy & Attunement Studio. This new endeavor seeks to create space to take emotions and experiences to the “studio” to build and practice new tools and create new outcomes in emotionally charged conversations and relationships. This space explores emotions and their purpose, the information they hold about our human needs, and how we can learn to respond with intention and integrity instead of reacting and regretting. We are offering monthly Open Houses and Studio Practice Space where you can learn more and dive into creating new outcomes.
Come check out what we’re up to at The Empathy & Attunement Studio ~ Where Emotional Awareness Becomes Purposeful Action
If you are interested in joining and co-creating these learning communities, please use the links above to learn more about The Empathy & Attunement Studio,ICFLA’s Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group, and BrainByDesign, and email me to learn more about future Women’s Events. I hope you will come along for the journey!
I’m always looking for new inspiration, new books to read, and new podcasts to listen to, so please send your suggestions my way or comment on this post to offer some new recommendations!
As always, thank you for your continued support and readership! Stay strong, stay brave, stay true to you!
Wishing you a season of creating space to “let them,” and in doing so, creating space to “let you” – to grow into the fullest, truest version of yourself; to release old beliefs and worn-out patterns; to shed old skins; and to continue becoming who you are meant to be. Thank you for being part of my journey.
I’ve been continuing to reflect on what needs to be weeded out to make room for what I want to intentionally grow. April is often thought of as a month of rain—the kind that nourishes and brings life. But rain doesn’t discriminate. It waters everything. The plants we want… and the weeds we don’t.
I have also been noticing the “weeds” I allow to grow in my own inner landscape, and more importantly, the thought patterns that water them. The quiet, habitual ways anxiety, doubt, or urgency take root and flourish if left unattended. Growth, it seems, is not just about what we plant, but what we choose to gently, consistently remove.
As ski season came to a close, I found myself skiing several times in the fog. Fog on the mountain can stir anxiety—especially when we’re used to orienting ourselves by the view of the bottom, the destination, the full path ahead. Anxiety, after all, is fear projected into a future we cannot clearly see. But in the fog, something shifted.
As I allowed myself to feel the anxiety and get curious about what was underneath it, I began to notice something unexpected: the gift of presence. My visibility narrowed to just a few feet ahead, and with it, my focus sharpened. I paid closer attention to the texture of the snow, the subtle shifts beneath me, the rhythm of each turn. I trusted that I had skied these paths before—that I had the capacity to navigate what was in front of me, even if I couldn’t see the entire way down.
What first felt disorienting became, in many ways, freeing. It wasn’t confidence born from certainty about the future. It was confidence rooted in trust, in my ability to meet the moment I was in, and my ability to face the fog and make it safely to the bottom, slowly perhaps, but surely. The fog didn’t remove the unknown; it simply invited me to stop trying to control it.
All I needed to do was recognize the anxiety, allow myself to feel it, and then choose how to relate to it, to see the fog not as an obstacle, but as a teacher, and to lean into my capacity rather than my fear. In doing so, in feeling, leaning into, and accepting, the anxiety softened. I stopped trying to control my arrival at the bottom of the mountain and instead focused on what was mine to navigate – this turn, this breath, this moment.
Perhaps the work is not just in weeding out what no longer serves us, but also in noticing what we are watering, and learning when to trust that what we’ve already grown within ourselves is enough to carry us forward. I’ve been embracing opportunities to step out of my comfort zone, try new things, and stare fear and anxiety in the face, after all practice builds habits and habits create who we become.
Reflective Questions ~
Inward: Insight & Awareness 1.     Where in your life right now are “weeds” quietly growing? 2.     What thought patterns or habits might be unintentionally watering them? 3.     When you feel anxiety, what future-focused story are you telling yourself? 4.     What skills, strengths, or experiences have you already cultivated that you may be underestimating? Integrate: Intention & Choice
5. What would it look like to align your pace with what you can actually see and know right now? 6. How might you respond differently to anxiety if you viewed it as information rather than a problem to solve? 7. What are you trying to control that may not be yours to control in this moment? 8. What is one small, intentional step that is clearly available to you right now?
Impact: Living & Leading
9. How might greater presence change the way you make decisions this week? 10. Where could trusting yourself more reduce the urgency to “figure everything out”? 11. What would it mean to navigate this season skillfully, rather than perfectly? 12. If this “foggy” moment is teaching you something, what might it be inviting you to learn?
Quote(s) I’m pondering:
“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.”
— Dan Millman
“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”
Is your anxiety something you need to eliminate or something you need to understand better? In this episode, I talk with psychologist Alice Boyes about the everyday patterns that can make anxiety worse. Alice shares why trying to control anxiety often backfires and how common traps like perfectionism, rumination, avoidance, and impulsive decision-making keep anxious high achievers stuck. We also break down ways to create distance from anxious thoughts, handle feedback without spiraling, and make better decisions. Tune in to learn how to work with your anxiety instead of constantly fighting it.
My notes:
Perfectionism response – more perfect and in control, backup plans
Rumination and overthinking – doesn’t often result in new ideas or creativity
Avoidance – causes interpersonal issues, as well
Other Signs of Anxiety – Anger and Resentment
If you don’t want to tolerate uncertainty, look for patterns…Achilles heel, recognize what your brain is doing and how it is trying to help, but doesn’t always take a helpful approach, or bring awareness to what is happening to act with intention.
“Board of Directors” – have other people who think differently and can offer new perspectives
Self-awareness is important – goal is to see how anxiety is impacting your decisions and to stop letting it control you behind the scenes
What if your anxiety isn’t just something you feel, but something you’ve been practicing? In this episode, I talk with psychiatrist Dr. Jud Brewer and Charles Duhigg about the science behind why anxiety sticks, how your brain confuses worrying with problem-solving, and why willpower alone isn’t enough to change your patterns. We break down how anxiety can become a habit loop and why so many high achievers unknowingly reinforce it through overwork, worry, and constant mental effort. Tune in to learn how to replace unhelpful patterns with ones that actually support your focus, energy, and mental health.
My notes:Â
As a life-long learner and coach, I have embraced and practice what neuroscience has to offer us about habits, neuroplasticity, and rewiring the brain to promote the habits that support me in the person I am working to become. The idea that anxiety is a habit, spoke to me and made it something tangible to overcome with some reframing and adjustments to the neural pathways already there. In my blog post, The Gift of the Fog, I ponder these ideas of embracing and reframing anxiety to create presence and confidence, and in my LinkedIn series, I further explore the gifts of the fog, uncertainty, and threshold spaces.Â
Insights that stood out from Dr. Jud Brewer –Â
Anxiety causes worry and worry shuts down our creativity but occasionally we come up with an idea or solution so we “learn” that worry is helpful.
The term and concept – False causal connection – the “anxiety habit loop” or more specifically, the “false sense of control.”Â
Brewer argues that our brains create a false causal connection, assuming that because we worry, we are preparing for or controlling the future. He explains this with the following habit loop:Â
Trigger – Uncertainty or challenging situation
Behavior – worrying
Reward – the false sense of control or the feeling that worrying is taking action, and is productive
Correlation vs. Causation: Brewer emphasizes that correlation does not equal causation when it comes to worrying and solving problems.
No evidence of Helpfulness: He points out that worry rarely helps; it actually makes it harder to think creatively or plan effectively
Habit Loop: Because the brain gets a momentary feeling of control (the false reward) it keeps repeating the habit, leading to more anxiety rather than solutions.
Curiosity is how we get to courage
Insights that stood out from Charles Duhigg –Â
Use neural pathways that exist to make change easier – reframe and leverage what you’ve got
Burnout comes from overusing willpower muscle
“Suffering comes from unmet expectations” (Richard Rohr) so adjust expectationsÂ
Habits can come from adjusting expectations
We can build habits to make overcoming anxiety and reframing easierÂ
New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestseller
A step-by-step plan clinically proven to break the cycle of worry and fear that drives anxiety and addictive habits
We are living through one of the most anxious periods any of us can remember. Whether facing issues as public as a pandemic or as personal as having kids at home and fighting the urge to reach for the wine bottle every night, we are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. But in this timely book, Judson Brewer explains how to uproot anxiety at its source using brain-based techniques and small hacks accessible to anyone.Â
We think of anxiety as everything from mild unease to full-blown panic. But it’s also what drives the addictive behaviors and bad habits we use to cope (e.g. stress eating, procrastination, doom scrolling and social media). Plus, anxiety lives in a part of the brain that resists rational thought. So we get stuck in anxiety habit loops that we can’t think our way out of or use willpower to overcome. Dr. Brewer teaches us to map our brains to discover our triggers, defuse them with the simple but powerful practice of curiosity, and to train our brains using mindfulness and other practices that his lab has proven can work.
Distilling more than 20 years of research and hands-on work with thousands of patients, including Olympic athletes and coaches, and leaders in government and business, Dr. Brewer has created a clear, solution-oriented program that anyone can use to feel better – no matter how anxious they feel.
My Thoughts:
Unwinding Anxiety: Understanding the Spin –Â
Anxiety has been steadily rising over the years. According to the American Psychological Association, top drivers include concerns about health and safety, finances, politics, and relationships, areas that carry both personal and collective uncertainty (2017, APA study on “Stress in America”).
At a neurological level, anxiety is deeply tied to how our brain tries to protect us. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), often called the “thinking brain,” is responsible for planning, creativity, and predicting the future based on past experience. It is designed to help us anticipate what’s next and choose wise action, but the PFC depends on accurate information.
When information is incomplete or uncertain, the brain doesn’t pause, it fills in the gaps. It begins to generate multiple scenarios, running “what if” loops in an effort to prepare and protect us. In this way, anxiety is often born not from what is, but from what we cannot yet know. The mind starts to spin stories of potential danger, and uncertainty fuels that spinning.
Fear, in its pure form, is adaptive. It helps us respond to real, immediate threats and learn from past experiences. Anxiety, however, is fear extended into the future without sufficient grounding. It becomes maladaptive when the brain continues to plan and predict in the absence of clarity, creating loops that amplify rather than resolve our sense of threat.
We can understand this through time scales (17):
Immediate (milliseconds): A reflexive survival response – moving out of harm’s way.
Acute (seconds to minutes):Â A learning response – processing what happened and how to avoid it in the future.
Chronic (months to years):Â Anxiety – when uncertainty persists, and the mind struggles to turn off the loop of anticipation and worry.
In today’s world, this is compounded. We often have an overwhelming amount of information but limited direct experience. The brain tries to reconcile the two, and in doing so, it can accelerate its predictions, faster and faster, without resolution. It begins to blur the line between planning and spinning.
Eventually, the system overloads. The PFC goes offline, and the amygdala (the brain’s threat detection center) takes over, triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses. What began as an attempt to think our way to safety becomes a physiological experience of danger.
Each uncertain data point can prompt the brain to generate more “what if” scenarios. Over time, these patterns can become encoded, making it easier for the mind to return to spinning, even when it isn’t helpful. Anxiety becomes a habit.Â
This is why mental hygiene matters. Just as we care for our physical health, we need practices (habits) that support the health of our thinking and emotional systems. Without intention, anxiety can become something we inadvertently “water” through our habits of attention and interpretation.
The good news is that the brain is also capable of rewiring. While anxiety may begin with fear, it requires reinforcement to persist. By becoming more aware of our patterns and habits, and intentionally cultivating different responses, we can begin to interrupt the cycle.
Unwinding anxiety is not about eliminating fear. Confronting and transforming anxiety is about learning when to trust it, when to question it, how to return to the present moment where clarity, choice, and grounded action become possible again. Habits hold the key to taking charge and creating patterns that better serve our thinking and mental well-being.
Reflective Questions that came up for me…
When you feel anxiety rising, what uncertainty might your mind be trying to resolve?
How do you notice the difference between planning and spinning in your own thinking?
What kinds of information (or lack of information) tend to accelerate your “what if” loops?
When have you trusted your ability to navigate uncertainty rather than needing to predict it?
What practices help you return to the present when your mind moves too far into the future?
If you are interested or know someone who may be interested, I also offer leadership and emotional intelligence coaching and workshops. You can find more information on my website, or you can use this link to set up a free 30-minute introduction to coaching session.  As I mentioned, the stroke I had in February 2018 was a pivotal event and valuable turning point in my life; you can read more in my commemorative post. Please join me in celebrating these milestones, turning points, and calls to “winter,” by taking time to celebrate your own milestones and by fully embracing the opportunities in front of you, the value in the little things, and the beauty that surrounds you in this wonderful, messy life. I will forever be grateful for my stroke and the path of integrity I found in its wake.
I have partnered with my fellow Education and Coaching colleague, Dr. Joan Flora, to offer a new experience we are calling The Empathy & Attunement Studio. This new endeavor seeks to create space to take emotions and experiences to the “studio” to build and practice new tools and create new outcomes in emotionally charged conversations and relationships. This space explores emotions and their purpose, the information they hold about our human needs, and how we can learn to respond with intention and integrity instead of reacting and regretting. We are offering monthly Open Houses and Studio Practice Space where you can learn more and dive into creating new outcomes.  Over the course of the last two years, I’ve hosted a few local, in-person events here in the Seattle area, like Savor the Sweetness and the Serenity Retreat. The Serenity Retreat was another success! This relaxing and delightful event took place again June 14, 2025; learn more! Savor the Sweetness took place again September 20, 2025, and was also divine! I’m excited to play more in these spaces of creating opportunities for connection and reflection If you are interested in such local events, please contact me with any questions, or to join the invite list for future events!  I have the privilege of hosting the Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group for ICFLA.  We kicked off our 2025 explorations and learning journey on February 25th with guest Dr. J.D. Pincus of AgileBrain, who walked us through The LA Wildfires through the Lens of Emotional Needs: Coaching in Times of Loss.  On Tuesday, June 24th, we both revisited and explored emotional intelligence in coaching through our topic, Emotional Intelligence Foundations for Coaching and Workplace Impact, with guest Maribel Hines, MBA, SPHR, CPLP. Maribel offered her insights, wisdom, and perspective through her in-house leadership and coaching and EQ practitioner lens. It was a great session as we translated theory and emotional intelligence into action and impact! Our August 26th session with Dr. Joan Flora focused on From Reactivity to Resilience: Coaching to Soften Reactivity and Strengthen Resilience. Our final session for the year was on Tuesday, October 28th, with guest speaker, Nicole Venner, who created space to explore, discuss, and practice ways of holding space for Emotional Intelligence in Threshold Spaces.Â
Please consider joining us for the ICFLA EI SIG in 2026! We began the 2026 series on February 24th with Re-grounding Coaching in Emotional Intelligence: Foundations That Deepen Presence, Insight, and Impact. In April, Elena Sarango-Muniz will be joining us to share on the topic of The Art of Approachability – Build Bridges, Create Connections, Unlock Possibilities. Please join us April 28th by registering here.  If you are interested in joining and co-creating these learning communities, please use the links above to learn more about ICFLA’s Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group, BrainByDesign, and the Women’s Events. I hope you will come along for the journey!  I’m always looking for new inspiration, new books to read, and new podcasts to listen to, so please send your suggestions my way or comment on this post to offer some new recommendations!Â
As always, thank you for your continued support and readership! Stay strong, stay brave, stay true to you!  Wishing you a season filled with adventure, presence, confidence, faith and trust that whatever may come, you will have what it takes to navigate and the resources to thrive! May you embrace opportunities to face fear and say “no” to anxiety! Thank you for being part of my journey.
I was skiing recently on a day that had wrapped the mountains in fog. I have come to observe here in the Pacific Northwest, that fog on the slopes can be both beautiful and deeply disorienting. It softens the edges of the mountain, quiets the noise, and turns the world into shades of white and gray. It also obscures what lies ahead. I usually avoid the runs swallowed by fog and save them for later in the day, hoping the sky will clear and visibility will return.
One run didn’t look so foggy from below, so I hopped on the lift and made my way up. It wasn’t until I was on the lift that I realized my view from the bottom wasn’t reliable, either. As I rode higher, visibility shifted. At moments I could see clearly and observe patches of blue in the distance. At other times, everything dissolved into a blur of white. And yet, still in the distance, there were patches of blue sky.
When I stepped off the lift and began my descent, I had to change my approach to descending the mountain. It was in this approach, my lens shifted and I saw both the challenges and gifts of the fog. I slowed down, not because anyone told me to, nor because I was incapable. I slowed down because I could only see the path immediately in front of me.
It was in that narrowing of vision, that my mind paused and realized that I noticed more. I felt the texture of the snow beneath my skis. I paid attention to subtle shifts in terrain. I sensed my body more clearly. I paused occasionally, not out of fear, but to take in what was visible and to carefully choose my next move, to reassess my location and my plan. The fog prevented me from charging ahead or focusing my view down the mountain, into the future. It kept me from skiing toward a horizon I couldn’t actually see, from making a mistake in the present because my eye was focused too far ahead
The gift of the fog was presence. It prevented me from getting too far ahead of myself, from racing toward imagined turns, unseen obstacles, or distant markers of progress. The fog forced me into what was immediately here. Ironically, the very thing I thought might cause me to stumble, this limited visibility, was the thing that reduced my likelihood of falling. I wasn’t skiing toward what I couldn’t see, I was skiing with only the knowledge of what I could see.
We tend to think clarity means seeing far into the distance – five-year plans, career trajectories, strategic roadmaps. We equate confidence with speed toward the goal. We assume that if we cannot see what’s coming, something must be wrong.
The definition of anxiety is living too far in the future, worrying about a future that we can’t accurately predict. So, what if fog is not an interruption of progress, but an invitation to be present, to release anxiety and trust the path will unfold before us?
Fog slows us down. It narrows our focus to the next turn rather than the entire mountain. It heightens awareness. It asks us to trust the skills we’ve already built to navigate the unknown rather than the certainty or control we wish we had.
In leadership, in parenting, in transitions, in research, in career moves, there are seasons of fog, of uncertainty, discomfort and unknowing. There are moments when the horizon disappears and the path forward looks shorter than we would like and we find ourselves uncertain, uncomfortable, and even afraid. Our instinct is often to wait it out, to avoid movement until visibility improves.
Sometimes the fog is the teacher. Fog reminds us that control is limited, control is a mirage, in fact. We learn in the fog that speed is optional, awareness is protective, and presence is stabilizing. Fog, if we acknowledge and embrace it, keeps us from stumbling not by revealing everything ahead, but by anchoring us exactly where we are. Perhaps clarity is not always about distance. Perhaps it is about presence and depth. One step at a time is the answer.
Reflective Questions:
Inward: Insight & Intuition
Where in your life right now does it feel foggy?
What is your default response to limited visibility — speed up, freeze, avoid, or slow down?
What skills have you already developed that you may be underestimating in this season?
What might the fog be protecting you from?
What details are you noticing now that you might miss in a season of full visibility?
Integrate: Integrity & Intention
Are you trying to move at a pace that no longer matches your current clarity?
What would it look like to align your speed with your visibility?
Where might slowing down increase wisdom rather than decrease momentum?
How are your values guiding your next turn — even if you can’t see the entire run?
What small, intentional step is visible to you right now?
Impact: The Outcome/Experience You Want
How might presence, rather than projection, change your decisions?
What if the goal is not to eliminate the fog, but to move skillfully within it?
Where could greater awareness prevent future stumbling?
What kind of leader, parent, partner, or human are you becoming in this season of limited visibility?
If clarity returns tomorrow, what might you be grateful you learned in the fog?
Desiree Briel Rodi Consulting & Coaching 