The Lull of Summer ~ Three Thoughts for Thursday ~ July 2024

July feels a bit like a lull to me, especially this year. It’s not exactly a lack of activity, but it is that middle space, that quiet space of summer where some of the excitement has worn off, but the end isn’t close enough to really force me to make the most of what is left. July is this middle space this year in a few different areas where I’m feeling a little stuck, a bit frustrated, and ready to move forward. We’ve had a heat wave already here in Seattle, and I am ‘Pacific Northwest Soft’! I like 68-72 with a nice breeze. Summer didn’t arrive until July 4^th but arrived in force, and I’m now already feeling done with the heat. The excitement of longer days has worn off for me, and the excitement of camps has worn off for my kids. As I went for my morning run this morning, I noticed the sunlight wasn’t quite as bright as last week at this same time, which I was annoyed with despite being a little bored of summer. I submitted a full draft of my dissertation after my dad came out for 8 days to give us more help, and I’m now in the monotonous process of editing, resubmitting, and repeating these efforts. At this very moment, I’m simply waiting for the latest round of feedback. A BIG thank you to my mom for sending my dad, and a HUGE thank you to my dad for coming to help me move one step closer to the PhD finish line!!!
 
            I’ve been reminding myself that not every sunset is the same, moments of delight are something I can control, and there won’t be fireworks every night. One step forward, even if it is small, is still a step in the right direction. To help me stick in it, see my efforts through, and accept the discomfort of the middle, the quiet, and the things out of my control, I have been pondering these quotes, listening to and considering this podcast, and digging into the books I’ve included this month. I hope you find them enlightening and helpful!
 
When you’re feeling blah, what do you do? Does this always serve you? Have you ever acted too soon to escape the “stuckness” only to regret the action or, rather, the reaction? How might you approach getting unstuck with more intention? Do you tend to experience the feeling of being stuck between a goal, between making it from A to Z, or do you tend to feel stuck because you feel lost or unsure of your purpose and goal? How might these quotes, this podcast, and these books help you accept where you are and provide you with some resources to take action with consideration and more intention? Who are the people who might provide support, a different lens, a new insight, or the encouragement you need?

Quote(s) I’m pondering:

“It’s not the load that weighs you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
~ C.S. Lewis ~
 
“Happiness happens on the way to fulfillment”
~ Gary Keller ~

What I’m listening to:

How to Get Unstuck: Do This to Create the Future You Want
The Mel Robbins Podcast with Dr. Adam Alter, Author of The Anatomy of a Breakthrough: How to Get Unstuck When it Matters Most
 
Mel’s Notes:
Today’s episode is a roadmap for reaching your potential.  
If you are feeling stuck in a rut, behind in life, or just a little bored by your life, this episode is for you. 
There are a few simple steps you can take to quickly get unstuck – and it’s easier than you think.
Dr. Adam Alter, one of the top psychology experts and professors in the world, is joining Mel on the podcast today to help you uncover the extraordinary potential that is lying dormant inside of you. 
Dr. Alter is a New York Times bestselling author, a renowned researcher, and a professor at NYU’s Stern School of Business. 
Whether you’re trying to level up an already successful life, have a breakthrough on a creative project, or need a reset in every aspect of your life, you’ll love the 3 steps that Dr. Alter is sharing with you today. 
If you liked this episode with Dr. Adam Alter, you’ll love listening to his first appearance on the Mel Robbins Podcast: 6 Simple Science-Backed Hacks That Will Make Your Life Better
If you want more tactical tips to get unstuck, you’ll also love Mel’s interview with Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar: How to Build the Life You Want: Timeless Wisdom for More Happiness & Purpose
Connect with Mel:

• Watch the episodes on YouTube
• Go deeper with Mel’s free video course, Make It Happen‍
• Follow Mel on Instagram ‍
• The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram‍
• Mel’s TikTok ‍
• Sign up for Mel’s personal letter ‍
• Disclaimer

In this episode:

• 05:20: Why it’s normal to feel “stuck” in your life.
• 08:35: What does it mean when people feel stuck?
• 12:24: Do THIS to get out of your own way.
• 18:00: The best thing you can do to make your life better. 
• 20:53: It makes sense that this is your natural instinct when life is hard.
• 21:51: These are the ages when people tend to overthink..  
• 26:40: And this is how you handle those times..
• 29:20: How to create more meaning in your life when you’re struggling.
• 31:00: Goals you can set to help yourself through difficult times.
• 34:40: The connection between feeling stuck and feeling lost.
• 36:00: Why it’s critical to have something you are working on in your life.
• 40:35: Everyone around you giving you advice? Here’s how to deal.
• 46:50: The FIRST step you can take today to get yourself unstuck.
• 50:40: How to reframe failure so that you stay motivated.
• 42:18: Who you should speak to when you’re feeling unstuck?

My copious notes:
 
Feeling stuck or blah? Getting stuck and being stuck are universal human experiences. Dr. Alter shares, “We’re all stuck in some respect.” The good news, there are things you can do to get unstuck!  From stuck to making progress, this podcast highlights some tips for dealing with the lull, the middle, the liminal space.
 
Dr. Aalter offers, there are 2 kinds of stuck –

1. I want to be at Z, and I’m at A – the destination is obvious; there’s a goal, but you haven’t been able to get from A to Z

OR

2. Blah – things feel dull and grey, very common; Example: “I don’t know which way to turn to create the goal”

Dr. Alter and Mel Robbins explore the best interventions for walking through the blahs, “stuckness,” and liminal space of the “middle.” Accepting the discomfort of being stuck is an important first step.
 
Dr. Alter mentions “Life Quakes”, a term coined by Bruce Feiler, affect all of us and almost always blindside us. These events are often not things we want to happen to us – divorce, illness, and death can also be good things like promotion or move, having kids, etc., and they bring complication and change. You can be stuck by good change, too. Even positive change and happy events can often leave us feeling stuck or confused, uncertain of the future. Dr. Alter offers:

• There will be ups and downs
• Accept this is life, and you’ll be steps ahead

 Mel notes she often will argue to stay where she is, where she is stuck, and this is a common problem for people. Sometimes we’d rather stick with what we know even if we don’t like it because we fear the unknown or fear that change won’t make things better.
 
We want purpose and meaningful movement forward. Getting started is hard! When we feel stuck, we want freedom, but we need constraints and specific steps. To start, do a Friction Audit – an attempt to find the friction. What is slowing you down? What is keeping you from moving forward?

1. Where is the friction? What are the biggest sticking points? Moments of unhappiness in the day? Can’t get past which letter when moving from A to Z…
2. Intervention – is there a way to weed out or sand down the friction point? Spend time and/or money, put resources towards intervention
3. Confirmation – Did you do a good job?

Emotions associated with “stuckness” are good to explore. Giving these emotions a place to go can be helpful!  Try writing about it. Here are some of Dr. Alter’s questions to consider:

• The thing keeping you stuck/causing friction – what can you change? How can you remove it from life or work? Can you hire someone to do it? Can you find a way to do it without complaining? This becomes the roadmap of what you can move and what you can’t…

 We often think to make life better, we need to do more good things, but Dr. Alter challenges us to smooth or raise up the lows instead. He notes that if you don’t, the bad things will drag you down. Deal with the friction points and bring the lows up a bit instead of distracting yourself with the next big thing.
 
Our natural instinct is to turn away from friction points. Rather than looking at what’s not working, we either turn away or, as I’ve observed, I sometimes will double down on my efforts. Dr. Alter shared the story of being 29 and turning 30, and the marathon he ran during this transition point. He felt he had to do something to prove his youth. This resonated with me as I recalled that I ran my first marathon when I was 25 and feeling lost. I think of this stage of my life, in hindsight, as my quarter-life crisis. All of my over-achieving college friends were going to law school, med school, business school, or starting Ph.D. programs, and I still didn’t know what I wanted to do or what my purpose was, so I decided to run a marathon. I have run quite a few as I’ve worked towards finding my authentic path. Finishing marathons has helped me move forward on my path of finding my purpose, making meaning, and becoming the creative author of my story.
 
Set a goal! This helps you feel productive and shift your mindset. 
Connect with people – this gives meaning and a sense of community
 
These actions are ways of demonstrating to yourself, who you are; you are the kind of person who can set a goal and succeed, you are moving forward to achieve. He compares this action of goal-setting to “pallet cleansers that get you ready for the next thing…”
There are three types –

1. Physical/athletic, which have other benefits, too
2. Intellectual – acquiring a new skill or language for a job or because you want to
3. Creative – I want to create a film or a painting – show you that you can have forward motion by creating something.

Habits are important! They help us to take action, and taking some action can help us when we are feeling stuck! Take the smallest possible action that moves you in the right direction. Example: If you don’t like your job, make a list of jobs and companies that interest you. This signals to yourself that you are the kind of person who can take action and move.

• 10-minute rule
• Set the bar low
• Experimentation and curiosity – list options and compare – not about getting it right, it’s about movement

Reframe failure

1. Failure is inevitable – it will happen as you challenge yourself
2. Learn from failure; take something away from it. This may even be learning about something you shouldn’t be doing. Have I learned what the next thing should be from this failure?

Who should you talk to? There are three types of people Dr. Alter says to speak with…

• People like you
• People who are non-redundant or completely different
• Black sheep –  those who push back and challenge the way we see the world

 Dr. Alter’s most important takeaway – There are two ways of approaching life –

1. Exploration – try different things
2. Exploitation – drill deep into one thing

We can’t do both at the same time; rather, bounce between the two phases to get unstuck. Face the friction! Create the meaning you want and desire!

What I’m reading:

the dip: A little book that teaches you when to quit (and when to stick)
By Seth Godin

What Amazon has to say:
A New York Times, USA Today, and Wall Street Journal bestseller

In this iconic bestseller, popular business blogger and bestselling author Seth Godin proves that winners are really just the best quitters. Godin shows that winners quit fast, quit often, and quit without guilt—until they commit to beating the right Dip.

Every new project (or job, or hobby, or company) starts out fun…then gets really hard and not much fun at all. You might be in a Dip—a temporary setback that will get better if you keep pushing. But maybe it’s really a Cul-de-Sac—a total dead end. What really sets superstars apart is the ability to tell the two apart.

Winners seek out the Dip. They realize that the bigger the barrier, the bigger the reward for getting past it. If you can beat the Dip to be the best, you’ll earn profits, glory, and long-term security. Whether you’re an intern or a CEO, this fun little book will help you figure out if you’re in a Dip that’s worthy of your time, effort, and talents. The old saying is wrong—winners do quit, and quitters do win.

Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work
By Chip Heath and Dan Heath

What Amazon has to say:
Chip and Dan Heath, the bestselling authors of Switch and Made to Stick, tackle one of the most critical topics in our work and personal lives: how to make better decisions.
　
   Research in psychology has revealed that our decisions are disrupted by an array of biases and irrationalities: We’re overconfident. We seek out information that supports us and downplay information that doesn’t. We get distracted by short-term emotions. When it comes to making choices, it seems, our brains are flawed instruments. Unfortunately, merely being aware of these shortcomings doesn’t fix the problem any more than knowing that we are nearsighted helps us to see. The real question is: How can we do better?

   In Decisive, the Heaths, based on an exhaustive study of the decision-making literature, introduce a four-step process designed to counteract these biases. Written in an engaging and compulsively readable style, Decisive takes readers on an unforgettable journey, from a rock star’s ingenious decision-making trick to a CEO’s disastrous acquisition, to a single question that can often resolve thorny personal decisions.

   Along the way, we learn the answers to critical questions like these: How can we stop the cycle of agonizing over our decisions? How can we make group decisions without destructive politics? And how can we ensure that we don’t overlook precious opportunities to change our course?　

Decisive is the Heath brothers’ most powerful—and important—book yet, offering fresh strategies and practical tools enabling us to make better choices. Because the right decision at the right moment can make all the difference.

~

You can sign up to receive my Three Thoughts for Thursday post as an email on the third Thursday of every month by clicking here.  If you’ve missed any of my Three Thoughts, you can find them all on my blog.  If you enjoyed this post, take a look at June’s Three Thoughts. You may also be interested in reading my four-part Lessons of the Run series – Endurance, Resilience, Rest, and Grit. Take a look at my latest post, “YOU are the MISSING Piece!” and stay tuned for an update to this piece, along with a recent and new 5^th Lesson of the Run!
If you are interested or know someone who may be interested, I also offer leadership and emotional intelligence coaching and workshops. You can find more information on my website, or you can use this link to set up a free 30-minute introduction to coaching session.
 
Last year, I celebrated the 5^th anniversary of my stroke with the writing of this commemorative post, a training run, flowers, pie, and special time with my kids.  I continued the celebration by running the Boston Marathon in April, five years after I ran the course for the first time (six weeks after my stroke). Please join me in celebrating these milestones by taking time to celebrate your own milestones and by fully embracing the opportunities in front of you, the value in the little things, and the beauty that surrounds you in this wonderful, messy life. I will forever be grateful for my stroke and the path of integrity I found in its wake.

Last September, I hosted my first local, in-person event here in the Seattle area, Savor the Sweetness.  I hosted the event again and had a different but equally fulfilling experience; I think I will be making this an annual event! Thank you to all of you who attended June 8^th for the Serenity Retreat.  Contact me for more information, with any questions, or to join the invite list for future events!
 
I have the privilege of hosting the Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group for ICFLA.  We are kicked off our 2024 explorations and learning journey on February 27^th, with guest, Dr. Heather Backstrom, author of Collaborative Confidence, who presented on “Using Stakeholder Mapping to Help Clients Enhance Self-Awareness.”  On May 28^th, we explored The Relevance of EI in the Workplace and Exploring and Supporting Confidence in Our Clients, with guest, Irené Turtle, Executive and Team Coach. Our next topic for the August 27th session will be announced soon! You do not need to be a coach or a member of ICFLA to attend these sessions. Please join me for our remaining sessions in 2024!
  
If you are interested in joining and co-creating these learning communities, please use the links above to learn more about ICFLA’s Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group and the Women’s Events. I hope you will come along for the journey!
 
I’m always looking for new inspiration, new books to read, and new podcasts to listen to, so please send your suggestions my way or comment on this post to offer some new recommendations!
 
As always, thank you for your continued support and readership! Stay strong, stay brave, stay true to you!

 
Wishing you a season of accepting whatever “stuckness” you may find yourself in, accepting the humanness of being stuck, identifying your friction points, identifying goals, connecting with your people, and creating meaning and steps forward! Thank you for being a part of my journey!