I dedicate this post to my dear friends and colleagues and all those impacted by the devastating fires in the Los Angeles area. My heart is with you all in this time of loss, grief, and destruction.

Three Thoughts for Thursday – January 2025

Embracing Life’s Seasons of Wintering

Happy New Year, and welcome to 2025! I keep hearing the catchphrase, “Thrive in 2025!” I hope this is a year in which we all thrive indeed! Each year, for the last several years, I choose a word to guide my personal work and growth, and this often informs my reading and ponderings, along with what I share in my Three Thoughts for Thursday. This year, my word is “joy.” Joy will be informing and directing my reading and ponderings in various ways.
 
In choosing this word, I hibernated and pondered at great length, leaning into finding joy in this time of deliberate pause. As you all know, I had my formal oral review for my PhD journey in October. The process of earning the degree didn’t stop there. However, the milestone marked the beginning of the end. I received confirmation on January 7^th that the degree had officially been conferred with a date of completion for all requirements of December 15, 2024.
 
Bittersweet, these moments of endings and beginnings, of reaching both a breaking point of sorts and a pinnacle moment of celebration and completion. I have been allowing myself time to go dark, to withdraw just a bit, to untangle and let loose the knots I’d unconsciously tied myself into, to slowly begin to unwind and let go of the intense focus and structure and regiment I’d adopted to survive, cope, accomplish this feat. Honestly, as the process of detangling began, I felt surprised, unaware of what I’d really done to myself, to my body and mind, as I fought my way to the finish line. As I’ve slowed down, I’ve found it rather painful to ease up.
 
As the process of truly finishing continued on, I didn’t know when or how to celebrate, but I did know I wanted to be more intentional about seeing, observing, and taking opportunities to feel and savor joy. I’m still not entirely sure how to celebrate, though I am beginning to make some plans for what the celebration might look and feel like in the coming months. I have taken the last few months to hibernate, to “winter” – a term I have been introduced to by the book I feature below, Wintering – and to feel all the things that come with the letdown of working towards something big. A five-year chapter has come to a close, and a new chapter has begun; there is both a sense of loss and disorientation, and a sense of possibility and excitement.
 
Over the coming months, I will be sharing more about my final journey to the finish line, my reflections and learnings, along with my year’s theme of joy. Until then, welcome to 2025! Let’s make the conscious choice to thrive together!
 
As you begin 2025, what are you reflecting on and taking from 2024? What is driving you and inspiring you as you embark on the new year? What were your challenges and struggles this past year? What did you do to mark them, learn from them, and even embrace them? How do you want them to shape you and your future? Do you allow yourself to get quiet, be still, go dark, and winter when difficulties arise or a chapter of life comes to an end? What motions come up when you think about embracing this idea of hibernating/wintering? How might you embrace this concept of wintering? What might shift for you if you adopted this new approach? If you were to choose a word to direct your growth this year, what would it be?

Quote(s) I’m pondering:

“When we’ve spent years finding our worth in productivity, our nervous system perceives play, fun, and rest as unsafe.”

~ Dr. Scherina ~

“Everyone needs a place to retreat, a spot where the world grows quiet enough for the soul to speak.”

~ Angie Weiland-Crosby ~

What I’m listening to:

Our families, schools, and workplaces often train us to comply – taking on additional work when asked, agreeing with the group’s consensus, and going along to get along with our bosses and colleagues. So, even when we’re told to “think different” and “embrace conflict,” we often hold ourselves back. But when individuals learn to say no more often, it can have huge benefits for their careers and organizations, says Dr. Sunita Sah. A psychologist and professor at Cornell’s SC Johnson College of Business, she shares a research-backed framework for evaluating whether to comply or defy at work and offers advice on how to do both more effectively. Sah is the author of the book Defy: The Power of No In a World that Demands Yes.

My Notes and Takeaways:

Complying and the dangers of constantly complying…

3 reasons people find it difficult to defy

We end up complying and often equate complying with being good, and defiant with being bad. Sometimes speaking up is what we need to do, it is “good.” Do we have a “Hurdle mindset” or is it the environment around us? We need to first assess the situation – What type of situation is it? – is it safe to speak up and will it make a difference?

Know your values, who you are, and what you stand for is important to standing up. We are rewarded as children for compliance. Sometimes compliance has served us really well – “What got you here won’t get you there” premise (Marshall Goldsmith). It is a privilege to defy.

To defy is to act in accordance with your true values when there is pressure to do otherwise. Defiance doesn’t need to be angry or aggressive, heroic or grand.

Stages of Defiance:

It is important to align our values and our behaviors. Recognize how beliefs are connected to values and behaviors.

Series of Questions to Consider:

Compliance vs. Consent

Training before the moment is important.

“Under duress, we don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of training.”

~ Greek Poet

Our training allows us to act as we want and to pause to weigh the costs of defiance vs. the cost of continually complying. Evaluate the element of regret.

Cultivating environment for positive defiance

Does this situation go against my values and the world you want to create?

When you think of the long, gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than in the name of rebellion.

~ C.P. Snow

Want to hear more from Sunita Sah? Check out Coaching for Leaders with Dave Stachowiak, Episode 715: How to Stand Up for Yourself with Sunita Sah

What I’m reading:

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times
by Katherine May
 
My thoughts and takeaways…
 
So many poignant observations, words, and thoughts! I keep thinking that my experiences in the aftermath of big shifts and changes finally have a name! I feel seen and heard, validated and more able to sit and winter. I feel a great sense of relief from reading this book, which I think is her point: to see the goodness and joy in the purposeful embrace of wintering and remind us all we are not alone in our wintering.

 As I’ve mentioned, I noticed my gut reaction to finishing the PhD was to get quiet, to sit in the mess of all the feelings, to refrain from latching on to the next B-HAG, if you will – a big, hairy, audacious goal. I love goals! I love that sense of achievement! As I close the chapter of the PhD, I also want to continue to work on the practice of being still, pausing, and being more intentional with my time and energy as I write the next chapters.

As I reflected, I realized I took a pause after my stroke in February of 2018, too, another season of wintering. I made a different and intentional choice to sit in the discomfort and uncertainty that surrounded me, to not be too quick to try to extract myself from it and distract myself with other things, goals, and “shoulds.” I purposefully stopped listening to the advice of others and I got quiet, I waited for the meaning to come. Meaning and purpose came, and it has been astoundingly wonderful the way this stroke rescripted my life in the most extraordinary ways.
 
One of my favorite and comforting passages I found early on in the book was this –

“Wintering brings about some of the most profound and insightful moments of our human experience, and wisdom resides in those who have wintered.
           
In our relentlessly busy contemporary world, we are forever trying to defer the onset of winter. We don’t ever dare to feel its full bite, and we don’t dare to show the way that it ravages us.
…
We must learn to invite winter in. We may never choose to winter, but we can choose how” (13).
 
May goes on to observe,

“Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Winter is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency, and vanishing from sight, but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible.
…
Doing those deeply unfashionable things – slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting – is a radical act now, but it is essential. This is a crossroads we all know, a moment when you need to shed a skin. If you do, you’ll expose all those painful nerve endings and feel so raw that you’ll need to take care of yourself for a while. If you don’t, then that skill will harden around you.
 
It’s one of the most important choices you’ll ever make” (14)..
 
I hope you will read this book and feel seen and that you will take opportunities to winter with more intention and even a bit of joy.
 
 What Amazon has to say:
 
THE RUNAWAY NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER 

“Katherine May opens up exactly what I and so many need to hear but haven’t known how to name.” —Krista Tippett, On Being

“Every bit as beautiful and healing as the season itself. . . . This is truly a beautiful book.” —Elizabeth Gilbert  

“Proves that there is grace in letting go, stepping back, and giving yourself time to repair in the dark…May is a clear-eyed observer, and her language is steady, honest and accurate—capturing the sense, the beauty and the latent power of our resting landscapes.” —Wall Street Journal

From the author of the New York Times bestseller Enchantment: Awakening Wonder in an Anxious Age, this is an intimate, revelatory exploration of the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.

Sometimes, you slip through the cracks: unforeseen circumstances like an abrupt illness, the death of a loved one, a breakup, or a job loss can derail a life. These periods of dislocation can be lonely and unexpected. For May, her husband fell ill, her son stopped attending school, and her own medical issues led her to leave a demanding job. Wintering explores how she not only endured this painful time but embraced the singular opportunities it offered.

A moving personal narrative shot through with lessons from literature, mythology, and the natural world, May’s story offers instruction on the transformative power of rest and retreat. Illumination emerges from many sources: solstice celebrations and dormice hibernation, C.S. Lewis and Sylvia Plath, swimming in icy waters and sailing arctic seas.

Ultimately, Wintering invites us to change how we relate to our own fallow times. May models an active acceptance of sadness and finds nourishment in deep retreat, joy in the hushed beauty of winter, and encouragement in understanding life as cyclical, not linear. A secular mystic, May forms a guiding philosophy for transforming the hardships that arise before the ushering in of a new season.

Bonus Meditation I’ve Recently Enjoyed:

And some new music I’m loving…

SYML

SYML is Welsh for “simple,” pronounced “sim-muhl.” Brian Fennell lives here in the Seattle area, and we had the pleasure of meeting him as his son played on the same soccer team as my son, Will. I’m hooked, and his music has been a great match with my time of wintering.

What I’ve Been Working on ….

You can sign up to receive my Three Thoughts for Thursday post as an email on the third Thursday of every month by clicking here.  If you’ve missed any of my Three Thoughts, you can find them all on my blog.  If you enjoyed this post, take a look at December’s Three Thoughts. You may also be interested in reading my four-part Lessons of the Run series – Endurance, Resilience, Rest, and Grit. Take a look at my latest post, “YOU are the MISSING Piece!” and stay tuned for an update to this piece, along with a recent and new 5^th Lesson of the Run – Humility and Adaptability!

If you are interested or know someone who may be interested, I also offer leadership and emotional intelligence coaching and workshops. You can find more information on my website, or you can use this link to set up a free 30-minute introduction to coaching session.

As I mentioned, the stroke I had in February 2018 was a pivotal event and valuable turning point in my life; you can read more in my commemorative post. Please join me in celebrating these milestones, turning points, and calls to “winter,” by taking time to celebrate your own milestones and by fully embracing the opportunities in front of you, the value in the little things, and the beauty that surrounds you in this wonderful, messy life. I will forever be grateful for my stroke and the path of integrity I found in its wake.

I have joined forces with James Garrett at BrainByDesign, where I have the distinct privilege of working with colleagues Paula Miles and Sandra Clifton to support aspiring female leaders in the workshop series, The Brain Science Advantage for Women Leaders. This 8-week course takes a deep dive into the brain science of habits, productivity, fear, and happiness and includes 8 live sessions with James, Paula, Sandra, and me where we dive even deeper into related issues specifically relevant to women. You can also take a sneak peek and learn more about me and my personal journey here, as well. Check it out and join us as we begin a new journey on January 24th!

Over the course of the last two years, I’ve hosted a few local, in-person events here in the Seattle area, like Savor the Sweetness and the Serenity Retreat.  If you are interested in such local events, please contact me for more information, with any questions, or to join the invite list for future events!

I also have the privilege of hosting the Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group for ICFLA.  We  kicked off our 2024 explorations and learning journey on February 27th with guest Dr. Heather Backstrom, author of Collaborative Confidence, who presented on “Using Stakeholder Mapping to Help Clients Enhance Self-Awareness.”  On May 28^th, we explored The Relevance of EI in the Workplace and Exploring and Supporting Confidence in Our Clients, with guest Irené Turtle, Executive and Team Coach. In August, I hosted and spoke on the topic of “Decision-Making and Anxiety in the Workplace”. We closed the year on October 22nd with guest Dr. Sohee Jun, who spoke on the topic of How to Be” vs. “Who We Are”: Confidence and Authenticity in the Workplace. If these sorts of topics intrigue you, please come join us! You do not need to be a coach or a member of ICFLA to attend these sessions. Please join me for our remaining sessions in 2024!

If you are interested in joining and co-creating these learning communities, please use the links above to learn more about ICFLA’s Emotional Intelligence Special Interest Group and the Women’s Events. I hope you will come along for the journey!

I’m always looking for new inspiration, new books to read, and new podcasts to listen to, so please send your suggestions my way or comment on this post to offer some new recommendations!

As always, thank you for your continued support and readership! Stay strong, stay brave, stay true to you!

Wishing you a season of allowing yourself rest, retreat, quiet rebuilding, and peace, even moments of joy, in taking the opportunity to pause, reflect, heal, grow, and just be! Thank you for being a part of my journey!